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  #1  
Old 09-27-2004, 04:20 PM
Hal Pollock Hal Pollock is offline
 
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Location: West Haven Connecticut
State: Connecticut
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Alabama Farmer

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.




Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!


Special Night in Iowa

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.


Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.

"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

"Where you flyin' to, =====?"




Arkansas State Residency Application

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name:

_______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man


Arkansas: It's A Wild Place

Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?

They would just tell the women to try another brother.



The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."





How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
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  #2  
Old 09-27-2004, 07:30 PM
DB's Avatar
DB DB is offline
 
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Hal ...... apparently you are unaware that the last Congress voted to make "Redneck" a protected group, much like all the other protected groups, with the same rights to sue for profiling, discrimination or slurs.

With that thought in mind, and given my particular bend for suing people lately, it is to your advantage that none the preceding made any mention of Tennessee. You came very close to "gettin' rained on" with the NCAA comment, but I am willing to overlook it ....... this time.

I suggest that you make "kiss kiss" noises to Cuzin Dan and Cuzin Mell from the states of Georgia and Mississippi and possibly Terrell who is from Arkansas. They may not be as collected as I am and may, to use a colloquial phrase, "Come unglued on your butt", without much, if any, further provocation.

A word to the wise ......
  #3  
Old 09-27-2004, 07:51 PM
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Mountain Man Mountain Man is offline
 
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Location: North of the ATL.
State: Georgia
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:rofl: Oh he's just an 'ole harmless Yankee..... but at least he't not at a #@mned yankee yet.

Hal, one mo' for yuren all call email list t'night:

What does a divorce and a tornado in Alabama have in common?






Either way, someone is gonna lose a trailer.
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  #4  
Old 09-27-2004, 07:54 PM
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Dan Leggett Dan Leggett is offline
 
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Location: Reagan Boulevard Southwest Mississippi
State: Mississippi
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As my second, and with his permission, I select Doug Bingham.

Hal, believe with all your heart every statement in your post. I pray all yankees treat that post as their reference source for their knowledge about the South.

Come see us!

PS: My favorite bumper sticker use to read "Help beautify the South, buy a yankee a bus ticket home". My new favorite reads "The score at halftime is North 1 - South 0"
  #5  
Old 09-27-2004, 08:06 PM
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DB DB is offline
 
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He may be a SeaBee .... but remember where they train the Rangers ... :rofl: ..... I doubt there are many swamps in CT ... at least not the kind you find down here. I have never been there, but I can imagine that what they call a swamp up north is what we used to call "The swimmin' hole" ......

Luv ya Hal! ... ... Head on down ... we'll throw on the feedbag and come up with some belly washers ...... it'll be a hoot ....
  #6  
Old 09-27-2004, 08:09 PM
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Dan Leggett Dan Leggett is offline
 
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Location: Reagan Boulevard Southwest Mississippi
State: Mississippi
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Quote:
Originally posted by Doug Bingham@Sep 27 2004, 08:06 PM
Luv ya Hal! ... ... Head on down ... we'll throw on the feedbag and come up with some belly washers ...... it'll be a hoot ....
...and be prepared to leave plenty of them yankee dollars behind when you git back up the road.
  #7  
Old 09-28-2004, 04:57 AM
Hal Pollock Hal Pollock is offline
 
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Location: West Haven Connecticut
State: Connecticut
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Love you guys.

This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands.

With my last name of Pollock, you know how many Polish jokes I get told.

And Doug, not to wimp out in the face of a threat, jya know how to compliment a woman from Tennessee? "Oh What a Nice Tooth!!!"

With regards and affection

Hal
  #8  
Old 09-28-2004, 11:31 AM
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DB DB is offline
 
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I presuemed it was pronounced "Paul-lock" ... but Ok ...

You know we were all just joshin' .... at least I hope I hope you do ....

Know what you have when you have 32 Alabamians in one room?

A full set of teeth .... :rofl:

We know the jokes too .. :lol:
  #9  
Old 09-28-2004, 12:58 PM
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Joker Joker is offline
 
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State: Ohio
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Yes, but can you read them?
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  #10  
Old 09-28-2004, 01:04 PM
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Don't have to ...... got plenty of yankees to remind us of them .... constantly ......
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