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Something on the serious side of Life. A question for guidence

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Ray Miller

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Elite Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2002
Professional Status
Licensed Appraiser
State
Wisconsin
Something on the serious side:

I have been asked to and have been talking to a friend of ours, but I fear I am loosing him. He refuses to go to counseling, will talk to our pastor and an another man in the church, my age.

How do you council a person who is a friend, who has walked with our lord in his heart for the past 27 years. The first 10 years of adulthood for him, you would say he was a rounder, drank, and was a mean husband and father.

He has always been the first to serve and is devoted to his God and the church for pulling him away from booze. Very devoted husband and father the last 27 years. He is a great all round person now.

Now after 37 years of marriage is wife has run off with another man. This is killing him and I mean physical and mentally killing him. He is a walking skeleton, looks like death warm over. Unless you have been down this road, you don’t or can’t understand the pain a man can suffer.

We don’t understand what snapped, but his wife appeared to be a God fearing person and believed in what the Bible teaches as far as the Baptist Church understands the Bible. My wife and I had always looked forward to her warm hugs and greetings. The time we have spent with them in Bible study at our homes.

Many of us both men and women have been down this road. I feel it may not be quite as tough in your younger years, but it hurts just as bad. I have always council people going through a divorce, that your loved one has run off with some one else and that was thier choice. You can't make choices for them. You can only make choices for yourself. That the sun always comes up the next morning. There will be better days, but at present we just don’t know Gods plan. That the pain you feel is very real and great.

I think I just need a little coaching with this man. Yes, I am a little afraid of loosing him. It happened to me several years ago with another friend and client. Everyone thought that he was making progress about his wife running off with a younger guy. I was the only person he would sit and talk with. No one else could even start to reach him. One day I went out to shoe his horses and he was really really down. His wife and this young pup had decided to ask the court to give them his most favorite horse. The horse he hung a lot of his trust and hope on. I cleared my book of all appointments that day and we spent the day at his barn working, shoeing, talking things out. I left at 7:00 p.m he got on his favorite horse, rode out across his pastures. Shot is self in the head with in minutes of the time I left. Neighbors found him a couple of hours later. I had stop by their home and ask them to call if they notice the lights on late at night. I would come back out and sit with him.

I am going to call him this evening; being sure he is planning on coming to church in the morning and asking him to dine out with us as our guest. He seems to have developed a real fear that people are condemning him for his wife’s actions. Does not want to be seen in public any more.

Our pastor has ask me again to be there for this man, as I have for others.

Any suggestion for someone that is loosing faith in his God and the human race?
 
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Mr Rex

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Jan 12, 2004
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Certified Residential Appraiser
State
North Carolina
Sit with him, share the silence and pain, and pray with him if he initiates it. Pray for him silently when he doesn't ask, and share the pain. Sometimes the best thing is to say nothing, but show that you are there and ready to share. The best of luck, and my prayers for both of you.
 

Obsolescent

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Jul 6, 2004
Professional Status
Certified Residential Appraiser
State
Minnesota
He has to go through a mourning period for the "death" of his family/life as he knew it. Anyone who has gone through it knows the steps. 1. Shock. 2. Sadness. 3. Anger. 4. Forgiveness of oneself...(or don't beat yourself up.)

No. 5. Success is the best revenge. (my mantra)

His thinking that people are judging him because of his wife's actions is misguided. He is more likely, unjustifiably embarrassed.
 
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TEL2002

Elite Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2002
Professional Status
Retired Appraiser
State
Louisiana
It is probably time for his kids to step in and give support to their father. They need to impart to him how important he is in their lives, and as tough as it is, they need him for the support he gives them. In other words he has to feel needed and there has to be a reason to wake up in the morning. I think his kids are the solution (would be for me).
 

Wayne Tomlinson

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Joined
Jan 25, 2005
Professional Status
Certified General Appraiser
State
Illinois
One unfortunate thing is that the people he is thinking that he is the bad guy knew about the situation before he did. It happens that way a lot.

As was said before just be there when he needs someone to talk to and to be with.

Wayne Tomlinson
 
H

Hall McClenahan

Guest
He is more likely, unjustifiably embarrassed.

I bet he feels dead, not embarrassed.

He has lost everything important. It is not the material things he misses it is the feeling of being needed and important to a single person.

I have long said that the closest thing in this world to Heaven is when Love is fresh and new.

Hell is the first week after losing the person you love, knowing that they could careless if they ever hear your name, wondering when everybody else is sleeping, what you could have done to make a person who said they love you, turn and run.

The home where others were is now quiet, there is nobody to share his thoughts and fears, nobody to hold him when he does not feel like talking.

Ray, I would bet the best thing you could do is be aggressive.

Call him often and have his friends do the same. Don't ask him to come some place, go see him. Remember his finances have changed, he will need time to adapt unless he is very well off. He may feel like he can not afford to waste the gas or have way to much to do if he is on the farm alone. Make him feel important and not alone or left out.

Men only for a while. No couples. There is nothing harder on a man who wants to belong to a woman than being around a couple and watching them interact.

Leave GOD out of it. Many times the thoughts are if GOD was really good then he would not allow this to happen, or, he would have put somebody here to ease the transition. God is mad at me! The one I really like is when they tell you that is not what the Bible says you are just quoting religion to make him feel better. If he is a believer he will work that relationship out on his own.

Just my 2 cents.
 
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JRS at OBX

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Jun 13, 2006
Professional Status
Certified Residential Appraiser
State
North Carolina
Just be a friend to him. I'm sure you are already doing that Ray, and I bet you are a good friend to have.
 

Frederick

Senior Member
Joined
Nov 2, 2005
Professional Status
Certified General Appraiser
State
New Jersey
"My lovely Redhead" always says when you feel really down and sorry for yourself reach out and help someone less fortunate.

I would ask him to help me in my charity work. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself and contemplate taking your life when needy people are depending on you. It occupies your mind and gives your life meaning and hope for the future.
 

Mike Garrett RAA

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Gold Supporting Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2002
Professional Status
Certified Residential Appraiser
State
Colorado
First of all, my prayers go out to him and you. May God give both of you His strength at this time. Please, Lord, provide wisdom and insight to both of these men who know and love you.

Sometimes the best advice is no advice. Be there to listen. Be there to be a post to vent against. Be there to just be his friend. If you have some common interest perhaps doing something together will lead to a chance for him to open up to you.
 

DianaOKC

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Joined
Jan 15, 2002
Professional Status
Licensed Appraiser
State
Oklahoma
My family always goes to the post office and picks up one of those "dear santa" letters (they put up the ones from the poorer schools) and gets some of the things on the list. Talk to him about maybe being in charge of something like this at church or just the you and some guys. This will take his mind of his troubles and see others are worse off.
 
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