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A Smile For Monday Afternoon

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hal Pollock, Sep 27, 2004.

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  1. Hal Pollock

    Hal Pollock Senior Member

    Apr 26, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified General Appraiser
    40 Things Never Said By Southerners

    40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
    39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
    38. Duct tape won't fix that.
    37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
    36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
    35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
    34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
    33. You can't feed that to the dog.
    32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
    31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
    30. Wrasslin's fake.
    29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
    28. We're vegetarians.
    27. Do you think my gut is too big?
    26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
    25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
    24. Who's Richard Petty?
    23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
    22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
    21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
    20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
    19. Trim the fat off that steak.
    18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
    17. The tires on that truck are too big.
    16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
    15. I've got it all on the C drive.
    14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
    13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
    12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
    11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
    10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
    09. Checkmate.
    08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
    07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
    06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
    05. I don't have a favorite college team.
    04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
    03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
    02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
    01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
  2. Mountain Man

    Mountain Man Elite Member

    Jan 15, 2002
    Professional Status:
    Certified General Appraiser
    Who sez?? You just din't use 'nuf!
  3. DB

    DB Elite Member

    Apr 29, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    Before visiting the South ... make sure you know the rules. Failure to follow the rules can be disasterous.

    Rules for a Northerner Movin' South

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

    9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

    10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

    11. People walk slower here.

    12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

    13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

    14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

    16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

    17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

    21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

    22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    25. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

    26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle
  4. DB

    DB Elite Member

    Apr 29, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    A southerner was having his breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits and jam when a northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sat down next to him. The southerner ignored the Northerner who, nevertheless, started a conversation.
    "When you Southern people eat bread do you eat the whole slice?"
    "We don't. Up North we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."
    The northerner popped a bubble before continuing on with his questioning.
    "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"
    "We don't. Up North, after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and then send it down South."
    The northerner smacked his gum incessantly.
    "Y'all have sex up North?"
    "Of course we do."
    "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use'em?"
    "We throw them away. Why?"
    "We don't. Down South we put'em in a jar, melt 'em down into bubble gum and sell'em to Yankees."
  5. DB

    DB Elite Member

    Apr 29, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    Didn't know this ..... but the Northern equivilent to a redneck is called a Blueneck. And as a result of this phenomenon, there is a list of jokes associated with them. Here are few to start .... I am sure the me and the Leggett boys can come up with a few more as time goes on ..... :rofl:

    1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

    2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

    3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

    4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

    5. You don't know what moon pie is.

    6. You've never had an RC cola.

    7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled

    8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

    9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

    10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

    11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

    12. You don't have bangs.

    13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

    14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

    15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

    16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

    17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

    18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

    19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

    20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

    21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.

    22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

    23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

    24. You call binoculars" opera glasses".

    25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

    26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

    27. You don't know what applique is.

    28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Cassie Sue, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)

    29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

    30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

    31. You can do your laundry without quarters.

    32. None of your fur coats are homemade.
  6. DB

    DB Elite Member

    Apr 29, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption ...
    ... and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

    Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

    Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

    Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

    All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

    All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

    Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

    Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

    Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

    No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

    A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

    Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger"can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in"that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

    Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

    Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

    True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

    True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

    Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

    When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

    Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

    A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.

    And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
  7. DB

    DB Elite Member

    Apr 29, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina.
    He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to his kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
  8. DB

    DB Elite Member

    Apr 29, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

    Liberal Answer:

    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

    Conservative Answer:


    Southerner's Answer:

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading).

    Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

    Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

    Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
  9. DB

    DB Elite Member

    Apr 29, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    A message from the Southern Tourism Bureau to Visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites: Behaviors that will make your visit much more pleasant

    Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll woop you.

    Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Billy Bob, Joe Bob, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to woop you.

    Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an wooping - and often does.

    We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to any group of us as a "bunch of hillbillies", or we'll woop you.

    Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll have no other option but to woop you.

    We are fully aware of how high the humidity is; we are not dumb; see #5 above. Therefore, shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll woop you.

    Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. When we are forced to go up North, we have the good sense not to ask for okra and collard greens on one of your hero sandwiches. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll woop you.

    Don't fake a Southern accent. This will almost assuredly incite a riot, and you will get wooped multiple times by multiple people.

    Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have had to visit Northern cities the likes of Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are; in fact, they are even ready before you are so they can get you out of here. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

    Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. If most of us had our way, you would not be here to listen to us. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.

    Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll woop you all the way back to Boston Harbor.

    Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We old doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll woop you just like they did us. Where did you think we learned all the varieties of wooping that we have perfected?

    So you think we're "quaint" or "losers" because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll woop you.

    Down here the sport that matters is football. Squash is not a game; it is what happens to people in a football game. The second most important sport is spring football. If you insist on talking about tennis or some other goofy game, you'll wind up with a wooping.

    Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your rear end shot - after it is thoroughly and properly wooped. You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your well-wooped butt.
  10. Lee in L.A.

    Lee in L.A. Elite Member

    Jan 24, 2002
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    I come across a few drivers each day I wish I could use that one on. :rofl:

    Otherwise you Confederate boys sound pretty hostile. :fencing:
    Guess I won't demand satisfaction from the average Joe 6 tooth. :peace:
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