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Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mike Kennedy, Aug 20, 2009.

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  1. Mike Kennedy

    Mike Kennedy Elite Member

    Sep 28, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    New York
    Ya' Gotta Love The Irish :beer:

    The Errand
    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
    each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

    When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
    the Irishman started to leave.

    "S'cuse me",
    said a customer,
    who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
    "what was that all about?"

    , said the Irishman,
    "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


    The Lost Luggage

    An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
    around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

    An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

    replied the Irishman.
    "I've lost all me luggage!"

    "How'd that happen?"

    "The cork fell out!"
    said the Irishman..

    Water to wine

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York
    and gets stopped for speeding.
    The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
    and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says,
    "Sir, have you been drinking?"
    "Just water,"
    says the priest.
    The trooper says,
    "Then why do I smell wine?"
    The priest looks at the bottle and says,
    "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


    The Brothel

    Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
    and watching the brothel across the street.
    They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
    and one of them said,
    "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

    Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
    and the other Irishman said,
    "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
    are falling' victim to temptation."

    Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
    and one of the Irishmen said,
    "What a terrible pity...
    one of the girls must be quite ill."


    Lost at Sea

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
    were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
    from a burning freighter.
    While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
    Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
    he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
    To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

    This particular genie, however,
    stated that he could only deliver one wish,
    not the standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter,
    Patrick blurted out,
    "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
    and immediately the entire sea turned into
    the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
    Simultaneously, the genie vanished..

    Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
    broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

    Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
    whose wish had been granted.
    After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
    "Nice going Patrick!
    Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!


    The Fall

    Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
    in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
    Struggling to his feet,
    he felt something wet running down his leg.
    "Please Lord,"
    he implored,
    "let it be blood!!"


    You've Been Drinking Again
    An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
    The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
    So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
    He tried to stand one more time; same result.
    He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
    and maybe that will sober him up.
    Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
    So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
    Again, he fell flat on his face.
    He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
    This time he managed to pull himself upright,
    but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
    as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    He was awakened the next morning
    to his wife standing over him, shouting,

    Putting on an innocent look,
    and intent on bluffing it out he said,
    "What makes you say that?"

    "The pub just called;
    you left your wheelchair there again
  2. LI-Appr

    LI-Appr Senior Member

    Nov 15, 2008
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    New York
    A Hebrew a guy from India and an Irishman went on a hunting trip.
    They got lost in the woods and night was falling. In the distance they saw a farmhouse
    They knocked on the farmenrs door and asked if he could put them up for the night.

    The farmer replies yes but only two of you can sleep in the house
    The other will have to sleep in the barn
    The guy from India says he will sleep in the barn.
    They all go to sleep.
    About a half hour later they hear a loud knock at the door of the farmers house.
    It is the guy from India
    He says he can not sleep in that barn cause there is a cow in there
    It is against his religion.

    Now the Hebrew tells him to just go to bed and he will sleep in the barn.
    Again 30 minutes later there is a loud knock at the door.
    It's the Hebrew saying he can not sleep in the barn
    There is a pig in there and it is against his religion.

    Now at this point the Irishman is really peeved.
    He tells them both to go to bed and shove their religions.
    Only about 15 minutes later the knock on the farmers door is sooo loud
    that it wakes the whole house

    It was the cow and the pig at the door
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2009
  3. LI-Appr

    LI-Appr Senior Member

    Nov 15, 2008
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    New York
    Mr and Mrs O'hara were an Irish couple looking to have children.
    After years of trying
    Mrs o'hara goes to see the doctor
    The doctor does test and tells MRS she is fine to send her husband in. Mrs o'hara goes to the local Pub and tells her husband to go see the doctor.

    After a few more pints
    Mr O'Hara goes to the doctor
    Again he runs test.
    About an hour later he tells Mrr O,Hara he is impotent.

    Mr Ohara staggers home but makes a stop on the way
    When he gets home
    His wife asks him what did the doctor say and why did you buy a new suit.
    His answer was.
    The Doc told me I am impotent
    and when you are impotent. you have to dress like your impotent
  4. Mike Kennedy

    Mike Kennedy Elite Member

    Sep 28, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    New York
    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
    The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
  5. LI-Appr

    LI-Appr Senior Member

    Nov 15, 2008
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    New York
  6. Mike Kennedy

    Mike Kennedy Elite Member

    Sep 28, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    New York
    The Irish Philosopher.

    Last edited: Feb 28, 2010
  7. Esox

    Esox Member

    Apr 13, 2008
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    A Irishman wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
    He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'

    Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.

    'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
    'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'

    'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'

    'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you *****, I'm married!''

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why of course," comes the reply.

    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

    "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

    "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

    "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
  8. Mike Kennedy

    Mike Kennedy Elite Member

    Sep 28, 2003
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    New York
    "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." a classic, gets better each time.....:rof:
  9. Caligirl

    Caligirl Senior Member

    Jan 27, 2006
    Professional Status:
    Certified General Appraiser
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

    Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
    Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.
    So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
    As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
    Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".
    Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
    To which Flaherty remarked,
    "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
  10. Carnivore

    Carnivore Elite Member
    Supporting Member

    Jan 15, 2002
    Professional Status:
    Certified Residential Appraiser
    North Carolina
    I really only know a lot of polish jokes.

    My excuse is that my grandfather on my dads side was polish and his wife, my grandmother was Czech.

    On the other hand, my grandfather on my mothers side was German, and
    and his wife, My grandmother was a McGraw!

    I guess that makes me just a 1/4 pint! :)

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    Last edited: Aug 28, 2009
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